Saturday, February 9, 2008

daily rant

I have been fine lately not having an issues.. I have came to terms with the fact I have cancer and what it has done to my apperance.. I know I am not a small person so I have even came to deal with what people think Of me.. and that I have no control over what is going on inside me right now..

Everyone that reads my blog has to know me so they know I am afraid of everything and everyone .. I look behind myself everywhere I go I jump at the littlest of noises.. So I have few friends "that I can put faces to and see outside" friends are like Dimonds ..You don't need all the fake one just One or two Real ones and ..the ones that have a flaw or two are the best..... I used to be an out going fun to be around person now ..If I have to leave the house it is to go to the Dr or the grocery store ..

Point of my rambling you wonder?....

I took a leap to get to know people to be "normal" I did something to take resonsibilty ..well slowly it is clear to me that everything isn't what it seems... and though I put on a happy face and seem to be happy and having a great time.. Inside I am hurting ..I am offended ....I don't understand and I am not trying to come across and childish....but I want to crawl in bed pull the covers over my head and cry until I have no tears left....

But I don't cry easily.. I don't yell... Much..I don't get anger I just let it grow in side with self doubt self loathing ...I blame me ...

I am well rounded I know the world doesn't revolve around me and I know that the world is a fast pace game either you get on and hold on tight of you fall through the cracks...So the child in me wants to say I don't want to play unless it is my way does life work that way no ... will I get over it? yes I am over it I just don't always get the why of things...

See already over it I sound like I am complaining again not really just venting

Friday, February 8, 2008

So what is on your hook?

I have vowed to make things for myself this year.. I am making Christmas stockings if I make two every month until christmas I will be fine

I am also making sleep pants for my kids .

I have tote bag I am making..

So what are you making ?

Don't forget about the Charity blitz I have Dishclothes and lapghans and mitten hats and toys squares I should be crocheting all the time and forget sleeping , but if I am crocheting no time for depression

Secret Swap

Well the swa is just about to start..It should be fun

we are having a leap year theme .. so all sorts of contest and activites ..

so we will have to stay tune ...

Friday, February 1, 2008

Is it ok to be jealous?

I am not a bad person no I don't think so .. So why is it when someone else gets something I want I turn into a two year old laying on the floor kicking my feet ranting no one loves me.. I have been struck hard by the little green monster.. I try not to let it get to me some people are just better than others. But what you they have I don't? Personality.. So I do not have a brown spot on my nose.. So I am not a college graduate or a high school one for that..

I have a brain and I think I am a good person ....I hope I come across as a good person.. I am creative.. I have a good head on my shoulder .. I can take responsiblilty and have follow through I have never caused anyone undo stress .. So what did I do ..

have you ever felt that some place was created for you as a pacfier something to make you feel like a good person yet you are nothing more than a place holder until you are either frustrated or depressed to the point why get out of bed at all?

Well I can't lay in bed wallowing in self pity trust me if I could I would I still get up do my daily jobs but I am starting to wonder if I should just take care of my kids crochet my heart out and forget the rest..

I reached out to the computer world because their are people out there to me I can talk to them with no fear I mean I am afraid to check my mail if a living breathing human is outside .. I attempt to talk to someone and I either turn read and can't speak then head for the restroom to fight with my own fears the rest of the day being ill or find a "excuse" not to have to met anyone..

So I find Jealousy are far thing from me but now I just feel depressed and forgotten and ashamed for feeling it ..

Ok I am done feeling sorry for myself I can rest easy knowing unless someone is really bored reading my blog they will just think I am in need of a nappy change and a nap thanks for listening and feel free to post a comment

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

wow I am so behind

So much has been happening I almost forgot that I have a loyal following of ONE. So what has happened to me lately .. I moved and into a house where no one is going to take my things .. everyone seems to be happy. I have been busy testing several Items You will have to check back to see what they are when I can post photos

But they are worth it... I actually got to set up a christmas tree so the kids could see a nice tree and I have not taken it down yet why you may ask .. Laziness is part of it and the other is it is a nice thing to see all the wonderful crocheted Items all over it.