daily rant

I have been fine lately not having an issues.. I have came to terms with the fact I have cancer and what it has done to my apperance.. I know I am not a small person so I have even came to deal with what people think Of me.. and that I have no control over what is going on inside me right now..

Everyone that reads my blog has to know me so they know I am afraid of everything and everyone .. I look behind myself everywhere I go I jump at the littlest of noises.. So I have few friends "that I can put faces to and see outside" friends are like Dimonds ..You don't need all the fake one just One or two Real ones and ..the ones that have a flaw or two are the best..... I used to be an out going fun to be around person now ..If I have to leave the house it is to go to the Dr or the grocery store ..

Point of my rambling you wonder?....

I took a leap to get to know people to be "normal" I did something to take resonsibilty ..well slowly it is clear to me that everything isn't what it seems... and though I put on a happy face and seem to be happy and having a great time.. Inside I am hurting ..I am offended ....I don't understand and I am not trying to come across and childish....but I want to crawl in bed pull the covers over my head and cry until I have no tears left....

But I don't cry easily.. I don't yell... Much..I don't get anger I just let it grow in side with self doubt self loathing ...I blame me ...

I am well rounded I know the world doesn't revolve around me and I know that the world is a fast pace game either you get on and hold on tight of you fall through the cracks...So the child in me wants to say I don't want to play unless it is my way does life work that way no ... will I get over it? yes I am over it I just don't always get the why of things...

See already over it I sound like I am complaining again not really just venting